The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
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Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
good morning
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.