MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.