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when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.