For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
This hospital has everything
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?