Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
You Might Also Like
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.