Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.