I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
boat question
You got this…
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables