Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
That’s enough internet for the day
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*