People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
for all #parents out there
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub