If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
😂😂
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ