I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?