me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Saw your ex at the shops
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
me, after any kind of buffet.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.