Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
this has to be peak English
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.