It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
mathematically impossible
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well