ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’