ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
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Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
2 years later
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.