I would give up shouting at trees for you.
You Might Also Like
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I beg your pardon?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom