Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things