Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
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Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.