Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!