Message from the dog groomers
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Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
What my back needs
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
“i am a sweet baby”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118