I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
In space, no one can hear…