GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear