Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.