One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
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this chia pet tastes awful
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
synchronized noseblowing
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.