What’s so funny?
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David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Rooting for the overdog
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
#parenting