Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
A Short Story.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.