When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
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CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.