But that’s none of my business
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[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
🤣🤣🤣
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Me trying to reach for my goals
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.