I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Close call…
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Holy shit he’s back
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river