I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
You Might Also Like
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Just me?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)