me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
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The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
hi why am I like this
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel