Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
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HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
eggs benadryl
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.