I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
the saddest jazz hands ever
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0