Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
This anagram machine is out of order.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.