What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
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Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.