She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
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Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.