took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
lmao
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate