What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.