Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Saturday