me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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Saw online –
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
calling in to work dehydrated
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I already tried new things thanks.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…