Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
they split up moments later
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.