Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?