This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
You Might Also Like
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I told my vodka about you.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes