The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
You Might Also Like
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak