ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My guardian angel deserves a raise
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
we’re dead?
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?