A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.