How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Why I divorced her.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.