I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
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I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!