Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
fixed it
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.